I’m not sure where to begin, but I have to start somewhere. This is a very personal post that, after a long time of pondering, I finally decided to post it here.
For a while now, I have felt this emptiness for a while. I’m 100% sure I’m not burned out or depressed, so it’s not that. It’s just that it feels like this half-full bowl that I need to fill. I can’t think of what it could be. My life is brilliant. I have a beautiful family, I laugh every day, I work with what I love and what I’m educated to do, I’m almost done with my education and my friends are all amazing.
Yesterday on my way home, I had the sun in my eyes and reflecting over the slow-breathing technique we learned at the unit day, I started to sink into my thoughts. I started asking my relaxed self why I felt this emptiness, and how I could fill it. The first thing I could think of was that I just came to terms that I lost my greatest sources of inspiration, and even though they will always live as long as I remember them, I feel lost. There’s no more than a stone to turn to when I have my riddling questions about life. I know, this will surely pass too, although I’ve felt like this for a few months now. This is difficult, and I’m sure I’ll pull through because it’s the only way I see it turning out – me walking out of it stronger. That’s life, but maybe I’m being harsh on myself? I keep thinking to myself to get a grip, it’s been one year since my godmother passed (2 since my grandma).
And to add to things, I’m probably scared out of my mind to know my thesis is soon finished and I have nowhere to go. Yet. This ‘yet’ is probably scaring me to the end of the universe and back.
But still, I can’t help to try find solutions and I somehow feel like the only solution to this is getting a pet. More specifically a dog. I’ve even had my eyes on what kind of breed. It’s gone so far, I know which breeder to pick and when she’s planning puppies for next year. For the past three weeks, I’ve been reading everything there is to know about the breed and been actively finding things that might discourage me from it. I want to find something that throws me off of it, and it just won’t work. Everything that I read about the breed, makes me want it even more. I feel like I need the stimuli that comes from having a dog, all the physical and mental training. As of now, I really do not know how else to fill this empty bowl. I wish I did, but I don’t. At least I’m not dwelling on the issue but am actually trying to find solutions. As long as I do that, I think I’ll be just fine. Question is just when :)
//c_Cae; still can’t find that Christmas feeling…