Much confused

I’m not sure where to begin, but I have to start somewhere. This is a very personal post that, after a long time of pondering, I finally decided to post it here.

For a while now, I have felt this emptiness for a while. I’m 100% sure I’m not burned out or depressed, so it’s not that. It’s just that it feels like this half-full bowl that I need to fill. I can’t think of what it could be. My life is brilliant. I have a beautiful family, I laugh every day, I work with what I love and what I’m educated to do, I’m almost done with my education and my friends are all amazing.

Yesterday on my way home, I had the sun in my eyes and reflecting over the slow-breathing technique we learned at the unit day, I started to sink into my thoughts. I started asking my relaxed self why I felt this emptiness, and how I could fill it. The first thing I could think of was that I just came to terms that I lost my greatest sources of inspiration, and even though they will always live as long as I remember them, I feel lost. There’s no more than a stone to turn to when I have my riddling questions about life. I know, this will surely pass too, although I’ve felt like this for a few months now. This is difficult, and I’m sure I’ll pull through because it’s the only way I see it turning out – me walking out of it stronger. That’s life, but maybe I’m being harsh on myself? I keep thinking to myself to get a grip, it’s been one year since my godmother passed (2 since my grandma).

And to add to things, I’m probably scared out of my mind to know my thesis is soon finished and I have nowhere to go. Yet. This ‘yet’ is probably scaring me to the end of the universe and back.

But still, I can’t help to try find solutions and I somehow feel like the only solution to this is getting a pet. More specifically a dog. I’ve even had my eyes on what kind of breed. It’s gone so far, I know which breeder to pick and when she’s planning puppies for next year. For the past three weeks, I’ve been reading everything there is to know about the breed and been actively finding things that might discourage me from it. I want to find something that throws me off of it, and it just won’t work. Everything that I read about the breed, makes me want it even more. I feel like I need the stimuli that comes from having a dog, all the physical and mental training. As of now, I really do not know how else to fill this empty bowl. I wish I did, but I don’t. At least I’m not dwelling on the issue but am actually trying to find solutions. As long as I do that, I think I’ll be just fine. Question is just when :)

//c_Cae; still can’t find that Christmas feeling…


2 responses to “Much confused

  1. Dear Cae,

    I want to just put my arms around you and tell you everything is all is well. Of course geographic distance prohibits but emotionally consider yourself hugged.
    No matter what the musical advertisements tell you, tis the season for depression. Our thoughts turn to those we miss, ie your godmother and grandmother. The older you get, the longer the list.
    Re, finishing your thesis. What you’re feeling might be frightening and uncomfortable but, what I’ve found in my own experience, is that’s also normal. (I really hate that word.) It seems that with every new step I’ve taken in my writing journey, it’s preceded by terror.
    My guess is that after your thesis is complete and submitted, there will be bigger and better things for you on the horizon. You’ve worked hard for it. But it is leaving the known and comfortable, isn’t it? Our oceans need you, my dear friend.
    A puppy? Might not be a bad idea. You certainly are doing your research. Dogs love unconditionally. I kind of miss having one. I’d say go for it. I’ll be Zoe would enjoy it, too.
    You’re brave to bare your soul and I hope I haven’t said anything to minimize your feelings. The worst thing is to deny your feelings or try to stuff them. They only erupt later in horrible ways.
    Take care of Caely, she’s a precious friend of mine.

    Shalom and oceans of love,


    • Dear R,

      Thank you so much for your words. I feel you and I appreciate you in ways words can’t express. Geographic distances don’t matter or else we’d never been friends in the first place.
      It is incredibly frightening but it’s as you say, normal as nuch as we hate it. We’ll have to hold hands while going through all of this, it’s better to have company :) I’m actually going to the coast tomorrow, maybe the pceans will give me what I need.
      I agree that a puppy could be a good idea but the Dutchman said he needs to think about the commitment first, although I don’t see much difference in a kid and a puppy. Time-wise it’s the same kind of lengthy commitment. But i will give him time. I think I really need that unconditional love and Zoe would definitely love it. Time will tell…

      I love you, R.

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