Christmas is coming closer, and all I feel is stress. I don’t want to visit people, I don’t want to do all the Christmas dinners and I really don’t want to travel anywhere further than 30min from home. I just want to hide until this is all over. Unfortunately, I have obligations.

This year, I had my mind set on just being at home and cozy it up with our own Christmas tree and our own Christmas dinner, just the three of us. Plans quickly change, though, and now it seems we’re all booked for at least 3 events. That’s 2 too much. I’m very stressed and frankly, I’m mentally exhausted.

Why? Well, I had just barely recovered from the immense show that was Zoe’s birthday. Many guests in a confined area is not my expertise. I simply feel mentally drained whenever such things happen. Normally, I phrase it “I love people, but I hate crowds”, and that’s exactly what that was. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time, it was just so exhausting, I took a week to recover (does this make me an introvert of some sort?).

Then, when I had recovered somewhat, I thought my thesis would finally wrap up and I could, you know, get this thing over-with. Again, I love my thesis, because it’s challenging and novel (to me), but the speedbumps that involve my data messing around with me is agonising. I struggled a bit to draw any conclusions about my data and actually discuss them, but then I stumbled upon a problem that shouldn’t exist, but does. I decided to talk to my supervisor and he said that result is impossible and that it might be something wrong with my data. Again. I spent last weekend and yesterday trying to find said problem so I could solve it and finally get back to writing, but to absolutely no avail. My option now is to go all the way back and try to track down whatever possible thing that could’ve gone wrong from the last time I looked at it and thought it was fine. That time, it took me about 3 months to clear things up, and that was because some comma decided to jump a few numbers disrupting my 8Mb datasheet. It wasn’t pleasant, but it had to be done. Now, it feels like I’m there again.

I felt like I could finally wrap this up and then Murphy’s law thought it’d pay me (another!) visit. I’m so tired, no amount of sleep is helping me. I don’t even want to eat. Not even pho feels appetising right now, and this is how I know something bad. I feel so stressed, that I am thinking about stepping away for a bit and just take a breather. On the other hand, I really want to finish. My report is brilliantly written (for a first draft) and all that’s missing is writing the discussion and the defence. It’s so close, but I keep tripping at the finish line. I shouldn’t push myself harder, I know that, but I also know I shouldn’t prolong this any more. I want to finish so I can find a job (which is another agonising matter, money but we won’t talk about it).

A break just cannot be caught right now.

//c_Cae; when not even food is fun anymore, I’m in trouble


2 responses to “Holidays

  1. Dear Cae,

    I almost hate to click the ‘like’ button on this one. Perhaps WordPress needs to follow Facebook’s lead on this one.

    Your words are saturated with stress and worry. I wish I could make that go away for you. As a mom, I want to force feed you and make foods that will tempt you. As a budding scientist you know that starving yourself also starves your brain. There, I’ll put away the mom-hat.

    I’m sending prayers and thoughts your way and hope that the problem can be solved in less time. I applaud your diligence and love that we’ve met. I hope things smooth out and you enjoy the holidays in spite of yourself. Although, it’s true, the holidays add undue stress. Hugs coming your way.

    Love and the truest sense of shalom,


    • Dearest blog mom,

      Most of the stress from the holidays have gone away and been replaced with something else…
      I don’t mind you wearing the mom-hat for me, you’re my blog mom after all. I wish I could just cuddle up with you, some tea/coffee and just talk about things. I could use a huge dose of that.
      I love you <3
      //blog daughter

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