May 18th – the day I became a marine biologist

Guys, I did it. I finally did it. I made 8 year old me proud and happy beyond measure. On May 18th, I successfully defended my thesis and am now a marine biologist.

I have never been so nervous in my life as I was the night before the presentation. I tried to rehearse but that failed miserably. The presentation itself went great, despite me blanking out on several questions my opponent had. That probably nerfed my grade, to be honest. I couldn’t sleep that night, and I even dreamt that I failed it because I couldn’t speak. That probably contributed to the half-assed presentation I did. I’m sure I can pull it off in a better manner today but what is done is done, right?

Yesterday, I spent the day alone. Zoe was at daycare and I couldn’t sit around and do nothing, which resulted in me taking busses around town to play Pokemon Go. Once I got home again, chores awaited and in between those, I experienced a turmoil of feelings. I was happy beyond measure, but I also felt empty and insecure. I know it’s expected. I’ve worked so hard for so long, I barely know what it’s like to fully relax. I honestly cannot remember when last I actually relaxed and didn’t worry about anything. Yesterday was a first. I still feel confused. I didn’t have a plan for life after university because the plan I had up until attending uni was all shot to hell. Why? Because life happens and you can’t ever plan everything.

I’m sure I wouldn’t been able to pull any of this off without the immense support I’ve received from almost everyone I know. You guys have been cheering me on since day 1 and no matter how long I’ve known you, you’ve always come through to pat me on my back, telling me I got this to get me back up on my feet. You’ve truly been the lights in my world and I really couldn’t have done it without you.

Right now, I’m constantly moving between sheer happiness and utter emptiness. Come Monday, and I’ll gotta do some things to get me moving toward a job. In between those tasks, I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll read a few books. Maybe I’ll catch up on my never-ending list of documentaries I want to watch. Maybe I’ll just go to the sea side and dream away. Or maybe I’ll catch up on all my series and anime or play all the games I’ve been meaning to play. It’s just weird to have so much time on my hands when I’ve always only been having 2-3h every week. It feels weird to me to start playing a game or watch a show. Those have always been an award to me. If I finish this task, I can watch one episode of X. That has always been my system. Do this and get this. Finish that and buy this. Now I don’t have a real thing to be my number one priority.

I think I’ll just have to go see the ocean. Then I’ll be fine again.

//c_Cae; finally did it. now what? 

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3 responses to “May 18th – the day I became a marine biologist

  1. Dear Caely,

    I’m so proud of you I could burst. :D You’ve worked hard to come to this place. A bit of letdown is normal…sort of like postpartum depression. I look forward to seeing what the future holds for you and how you will impact the future.

    Many hugs and much love,
    Your blog mom,

    Rochelle

    • Dear blog mom,

      I don’t know what to say. There’s so much I feel but I wouldn’t have done it without a few key people in my life, you being one of them.
      Love you loads!
      //blog daughter Cae

  2. Dearest Caely,

    Do you know that in the middle of building a small house in the forest all by myself one of my greatest pleasures is to drive down into Whitianga and after taking care of all of my to do list items, go at last to the beach and walk, if only for a few minutes, along the sand looking for shells or driftwood. I thought about those moments when I read your last two sentences and I smiled.

    You not only will be okay…you are okay…and one day, in the probably not to distant future, you’re going to be sitting on the opposite side of things, listening to a young person sweat out their inarticulate thesis defense, and you will remember the blood, sweat and tears you shed and how you felt in the middle of yours… And you’ll help your kindred Marine Biologists (to be) take their first halting steps and you can smile with the knowledge that will come with experience you’ve earned because you worked so damn hard for it

    Your time is now, and though you don’t know what waits out there in front of you, I have absolutely no doubt that you will not only be equal to it, you will master it and more, with ease.

    Take a bow, take a break, take five… You’ve earned it. You can go to work later.

    Love you always,

    Doug

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