Author Archives: Caely

Lately

Fall has finally come. Days are rainy and grey. To be honest, I don’t mind. Most of this summer has been rainy and grey. Days like these I appreciate the time I can spend with myself. I have really grown to love my own company and it feels really good. It has nothing to do with me being an introvert, it’s just that I find it relaxing to be my own best friend. When I was younger, I didn’t like being alone. That feeling was awful, but I got to know myself and it has proven to me that it’s a great feeling to be able to enjoy yourself. Most my days are now filled with drinking my favorite tea (earl grey, by the way) and watching anime or various Hong Kong dramas. I want to stream but there’s little motivation to play games. To be honest, I have so many games I can choose from. I’d much rather sit down with my tea and watch my series. Or read a book. The balcony is almost cleaned up enough for me to sit out there with my tea, good music and an adventurous book. That’s all I really want to do this fall. Even during this winter, but I will stream. I just don’t know when because fall is my favorite season and it makes me all cozy. All that is missing are the colorful leaves on the ground. Then I’m all set.

//c_Cae; seasons come and go, just like people. 

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Venting

Very personal post incoming. It’ll also be very long. You have been warned lol.

When I was in 6th or 7th grade, I remember coming home to a very unfamiliar atmosphere. My grandma was there and my mom was laying in bed too drunk to even notice I came home. I have never seen my mom drunk and that was the one and only time I witnessed it. I don’t remember where my siblings were but I remember my dad wasn’t home. I also don’t remember what was exactly spoken at the time. All I remember is that I had never seen my mom in such a state. When I grew a little older and had gotten into high school, I was told the truth about what happened. My mom had her heart broken and didn’t know where to go and so resorted to the bottle. I found out my dad had been cheating on her and the fights at home were probably more common than in any other healthy relationship. Sadly, that was what my siblings and I were taught through witnessing it over several years. The lesson that excessive fighting in a relationship is normal. It’s not, we know that now but we still think it’s weird family members and friends hug. Expressing feelings any other than anger is weird to us.

I remember my dad once brought my sister and I over to a friend of his on his day off. It was just a normal day and he said this friend had a daughter around our age that we could play with. We didn’t think much of it and tagged along. I still remember where she lived. She was a single mom with a little daughter named Shelley (not sure I spelled it right though). Again, we didn’t think much of it and probably thought it was nice to play with another kid. What didn’t occur to us was that our dad just walked in like it was his home and straight into the bedroom. I remember the adults leaving us in the living room. I don’t remember exactly how old I was at the time, but I was old enough to babysit for one kid. There I was, with two kids. Of course, we eventually got into a fight and we had to leave. It never occurred to me that this was the woman my dad was with while being married to my mom.

Many years after and up until the day my grandmother passed away, I was asked frequently by my grandmother if my dad was still “fiddling on the side”. I didn’t know, and I made sure to say so. My grandmother kept telling me I have siblings somewhere out there as a result of my dad’s affair. I know I resented my dad for doing that, for not being brave enough to face an end with my mom and move on. I absolutely despised it and it showed during my high school years. I know for sure my mom never forgave my dad for it and in all honesty, who would?

Sometime during my first year of high school, when the fights were most intense, my parents spoke of divorce. I didn’t fully understand at the time, it was all beyond me and I was a confused teenager. I do remember choosing to be with my mom because it made no sense to me to live with my dad because of various reasons. He’d yell at us kids for no apparent reason and was in a really dark place himself drowning in alcohol. To this day, I still have a hard time hearing the sound of a can opening because it brings back horrible memories. Violent memories. I still hate being unable to open a bathroom door. If a bathroom door lock doesn’t open, I’d panic. No amount of therapy has gotten me over it and sometimes I hate it. Most the time I think of it as a scar that is there to remind me never to repeat that to anyone in my proximity and to always be alert of such unnecessary behavior. If anything, it has made me wiser. The talks of divorce died and it all settled down. That year, my parents stopped sharing the same bedroom.

Let’s fast forward to this year. My mom decides she wants to live up to a promise she made to my cousin about attending said cousin’s wedding. The small issue is that the wedding is in Vietnam and my mom is first reluctant to go but us kids persuade her to go. She needs the vacation and what would be more fitting than to attend my cousin’s wedding and be with people that would cater her every need? She, if anyone, deserved it. My mom finally makes the decision to go and suddenly, my dad wants to tag along. Reluctantly, my mom agrees and I tell her to be careful because when dad is hangry, I kid you not, he would murder a cow. Nervously, I take them to the airport and see them off.

Three weeks go by and as I talk to my mother everyday (as per normal), I notice her increasing anxiety. I go to pick them up at the same airport I saw them off at and I pick up one anxious parent and a very angry parent. I try my best to coordinate and we make it back to their apartment. This was in May. Since, the fights have picked up like they did when I was in high school. This time, they actually managed to get worse. Threats were thrown left and right. Threats of humiliation and violence. It’s abusive and I ask my mom and brother to leave, even if temporary to just get out for a little while. They declined and things just got worse.

Finally, a new proposal of a divorce got on the table. I have, from day one, said that I will not believe it this time unless I see them both sign it and I’ll post the damn thing myself. Today, I am doing that. It feels good but there’s this part of me that keeps thinking. I’m a very emphatic person and at times, it’s difficult to handle. I’d rather just be sympathetic instead but it is what it is. For all that is going on, I’m once again with my mom on this. I don’t mean to paint my dad as the culprit here, even if he’s done many things wrong. I’m sure, that like the first time, I am missing out on a lot of the full story. However, I can’t bring myself to forgive what he has done, not in the past and not in the present. I actually want a genuine apology but I know that is not likely to happen because my dad is a very proud and righteous man. He’d never admit fault, ever. Despite knowing this and knowing that he won’t ever change his stupid and deranged vision of “my way or the highway” (the highway meaning being on the receiving end of his abuse), I still care. I still fucking care. I worry that he might not make it on his own. He doesn’t know how to pay bills. He doesn’t know where to go if he’s really injured or sick. I worry that he might not be able to care for himself having instant noodles for dinner, shoving it down with beer. It’s destructive, not only for him but for the people around him. I know that. I know his behavior is destructive, yet I care. I bloody care. I hate that. The voice in my head keeps telling me it makes me a better person for caring but then there’s another, smaller voice that tells me that I shouldn’t because in the end, letting such a destructive person have greater influence of your life is horrible. It’s a bad move. I’ve done it before and I’ve gotten burned several times. Yet I still care. I still fucking care.

//c_Cae; making sense of this emotional turmoil.

Current earworm

I was introduced to this song about a week ago. Ever since, I have not been able to get it out of my head. Thanks for introducing it to me. You know who you are. It’s not a bad song, it’s actually really good. I just wish it wouldn’t get stuck in my head like this, haha :)

//c_Cae; they say dreamers never die…

To my Twitch fam

It’s been a little over 18 months since I joined Twitch. I first had no interest in it as I didn’t really understand what it was all about. Then I came across streamers who played alone and with their communities and noticed how great that interaction was. Suddenly, I found myself in chats where people were super-friendly about the gameplay, talked about everything possible and joked about whatever made people laugh. It had me intrigued on how much fun Twitch was. Occasionally, there would be people that would troll and toss around stupid remarks, trying to turn the friendly community into a mob but they always failed. I came to fall in love with channels that played games I would never play myself. I found streamers that were amazing people in every single way, trying to to chip in to change the world for the better even if it meant just making one person smile.

I first stumbled upon a Minecraft streamer and to be honest, Minecraft is good in many ways but to me it is incredibly boring. Still, this streamer had my attention and I ended up supporting this streamer in every way I could. In his community, I found many like-minded people who I today call friends.

Later, I ventured out to find new streamers and I did. I found amazing streamers that I had so much in common with. It somehow made me feel satisfied in a way the life at university never did. Don’t get me wrong, avid readers of this blog will know that I absolutely loved university life but it lacked something that made up a large part of my teenage years that still remain today. I have brought up games at university but no one really understood what I meant. On Twitch, this was different. I met academics that were similar to me and I also met people outside of academia that understood academia as well as they understood games.

The mentality of these people that I have had the luck to meet online is incredible. All of those who I call friends wish nothing but success upon whoever they may meet. All of them appreciate each other like it was meant to. On Twitch, I have met people to talked others out of suicide and helped others relocate to safer places, among other things. I think this kind of appreciation is a very rare thing to find, especially on the internet but even in this world. Today, we experience a different kind of life as we’re constantly bombarded by sad news from all over the world. It makes us believe that there is an overwhelming amount of bad things that are happening in the world. It’s not true of course, news reaches us easier today than it ever has in our history.

So, to everyone who I met on Twitch:
I appreciate you and I value your presence immensely. I’m lucky to have met all of you and I really can’t wait to meet you in person. I can’t really express in words how much I appreciate all of you, but you know what I mean. Thanks to you, I’ve ventured out of my comfort zones faster than ever and it feels great. Thanks to you, I can be a part of your communities and help you bring smiles to people. Oh, and if you’re unsure if you’re included in this bunch of friends, you are.  Here’s to online friendships o/

//c_Cae; is now also a Twitch affiliate! Yay~

A silent voice

I don’t know where to begin. I first wanted to tweet about it, but I quickly realized that 140 characters doesn’t cut it. I could use TwitLonger, but that’d end up as a blog post so I might as well do it here. Sad post incoming, you have been warned.

Today, the world lost yet another amazing voice. Chester Bennington had, to me, a very special voice and amazing songwriting skills. Linkin Park has always been special to me, They were the band who delivered song upon song that I could 110% relate to. Every single song spoke to me one way or the other. I knew what people around me said about the band. They’re horrible, how can you listen to that sh*t?
Thing was, they weren’t sh*t in my ears. To me their music was the only thing I could relate to in a time of my life where darkness was all over the place. Their music made me think and feel that there is light in this world, that there are things in this life worth fighting for. To me, they were amazing. Of all the band members, Chester was the one that spoke to me most. His past of being abused spoke the loudest, although the drug use also hit a bit too close to home (to clarify, I have never used but I have lost several family members to ODs). He was my first “singer of a rockband” crush. As a teenager, the band seemed like superheroes to me. They had overcome things of their pasts and were doing something that they loved. In return, millions of fans cheered them on.  Sadly, depression took Chester’s voice from us. A voice that will be missed, but never forgotten. I wish the lines If I just let go, I’d be set free wasn’t echoing in my head.

To be honest, I do not know where this post is heading but I feel I need to write things down. It’ll help, I know. I know some might still think that it’s stupid to still like such a band as Linkin Park and not be refined in my music taste, and although I don’t listen to them as much as I used to, they still mean something to me. Our pasts build the foundation of our lives on which the lucky few can build their future on.

My deepest condolences to Chester’s family, the band and everyone who ever felt that Chester touched their lives. We’re never alone, never forget that.

//c_Cae; somewhere out there, there is someone that cares for you deeply. 

Hi peeps!

It has been a great while since I last posted here. The only reason to that is simply because I was exhausted. After the previous post, I took a solid four weeks to tend to myself. It was the only thing I did whenever I had some free time. I caught up on a few TV series, looked up to the sky and admired the clouds, took naps whenever I wanted and only met with people that had zero expectations of me. It felt great. After that, I rested some more.

As some may know, I celebrated my birthday a little over a week ago. I got everything I ever asked for: great food and great company. On the day itself, we had a simple dinner at my mom’s and I was even served cake (chocolate mousse in case anyone wondered) and Zoe even sang for me. That was the best part. The Friday that followed, I had arranged a dinner with some close friends. We went to a restaurant that fused Mexican with Korean food and it was marvelous. I had a great time and even though I did not ask for gifts, my friends came with them. They know I never want anything other than having a great time with them. Still, they brought me flowers, cute little things like band aids with fish motif, and a Bluetooth speaker. These friends are worth more than their weights in gold, and even though we rarely meet, we remain the same as the last time we met. I love you guys, and I hope you know that.

On a different note, I recently decided to step out of my comfort zone in gaming. Since I started playing video games, I have stuck to role-playing and puzzle games (read Final Fantasy and Tetris). I figured if I wanted to grow as a gamer, and especially if I wanna be able to broadcast a variety of games, I also have to play a variety of games. Thus, when I got my new computer, I hesitated a little bit but ended up buying a first-person shooter game. Now let me tell you how good my aim is. It is about as good as I would most likely miss whatever is in front of me. I didn’t expect to play even at the lowest level, but to my surprise, I learned fast and I actually play decently. Surely, I have a lot to improve at but that’s why we step out of that comfort zone right?

//c_Cae; it’s true what they say, growth happens outside of your comfort zone even if stepping out is intimidating.

Exhausted

The past week has been intense even though I haven’t had any “real” work done. I’ve applied for a few jobs and I’m about as hopeful as to get a few more rejection letters. At least one such letter brings me closer to an acceptance letter somewhere.

Lately, as in the past 6-8 months, I’ve come to realize that I am an introvert. I’m very social when it comes to it, but once I leave any social setting, I feel drained and it takes me days (sometimes even a full week) to recover. Today is such a day. Last weekend was intense and I feel like I wanna turn into burrito mode and just do something that doesn’t require any social skills.

It came to my attention after Zoe’s birthday last year. The preparations took 2 weeks and once it was all finished, I was out of it for another 2 weeks. Then came Christmas and all the hype that’s around that and it drained me even more. Around that time, I first thought it was due to stress but it wasn’t it. I was doing nothing but my thesis and had just finished TA.

So here I am again all tired and out of energy to do anything other than spending time with myself whenever that is possible. Got a meeting today so will have to push through that. I’m sure it will be fine but after this week, I’ll have to get a lot of me-time before I do anything else.

//c_Cae; can any other introvert relate to this? Lemme know!