Category Archives: this is Cae

And another light is forever extinguished

In my short time on this planet, I have slowly learned that death is a part of life. Last Friday, we lost another amazing musician and although I loved some of his music, I know there are fans out there that are devastated when they learned that Avicii had tragically passed away. I can’t imagine the pain his friends and family are going through. I understand it, but I can never grasp the burden that they now have to live with.

I admire Avicii. He brought a lot of inspiration to many artists out there, not to mention all the inspiration he brings to his fans. I use present sense because his legacy will live on. I admire most his humanitarian side, how he wished to help those who needed it. I also admire this little video clip I saw of him when he just broke through. When asked of why he didn’t live in a larger home, he humbly replied that this was all he needed and he’d much rather put his resources to help others. That humility is his legacy to me. His music will never die and neither will his legacy. Even if his light on this Earth has been extinguished, the fire he lit within us will forever burn bright.

//Cae; “he said one day, you’ll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember”

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The thing with grieving

My first time experiencing losing a loved one, I was around 13. I had just gotten back from a 4 week first time vacation in Vietnam. There, I met my extended family. Some of my grandpa’s siblings and their families still live there and so does my dad’s family. It was my first time meeting my paternal grandparents and during the visit, I learned to know my cousins and even my mom’s cousins. One in particular, my (maternal) grandpa’s nephew, I got very close to. My siblings and I would nag my parents every day to take us see him because he’d take us on stupid adventures and make us laugh. We loved every single moment. However, not long after we got back to Sweden, we learned that he passed away due to an overdose. Suicide apparently. It broke all our hearts but that was my first.

My second visit to Vietnam was during my first year of high school. It wasn’t a fun trip. We went for the funeral of my paternal grandpa. He was a quiet man but according to my mom, he was a wise one. There’s something about losing a parent that changes people. I saw so many changes in my dad after that, most of them not for the better. To this day, I still say that my paternal grandparents would roll over in their graves should they see how my dad behaves nowadays. It may be rude, but it’s the truth.

However difficult the past was, the one that hit me hardest was the passing of my maternal grandma back in 2013. I remember that night as clear as if it happened yesterday. I had such difficulty going back to normal and it took me years to recover. Right up to my uncle’s passing last December, I thought I was doing well. That is, until I saw my grandma’s gravestone for the first time and how there was a reserved space next to it.  That broke me and I literally had to remove myself away from it. I was staring into blank space in my car for a little while before I could actually bother to start it and drive away. Grieving my grandmother was, and to some extent still is, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Time has definitely made it better but some things don’t go away entirely and I firmly believe that the ones that pass on are never really gone for as long as the living can remember them.

Then Annie passed away this February. There’s still so many feelings to process. Some days are way worse than others but most days, I find little things to smile for. Bet she would’ve wanted that. I did write an eulogy to her but I’ll wait before I make it public for everyone.

I thought it was terrible to grieve one person and it took me a while to realize that now, I’m grieving two (my uncle and Annie). Some days that really gets to me. I have to remember, though, that I have great friends that pick me up when I fall. And I’ll lean on you guys on the days where everything is overwhelming. I hope you know that you can lean on me when you need it, too.

Making matters a bit worse, my aunt Iris is worrying me. She was hospitalized last week and they found something wrong with her gallbladder. It had formed gallstones so she’s recovering from that. Beside that, doctors also found something worrisome with her uterus and ovaries. I really hope it’s not cancer, as that kind runs in our family. I’ll do my best to accompany her to her doctor’s appointments. Her Swedish is functional but when it comes to medical terms, it’s difficult so I interpret for her. Time will tell what is really going on in her body and I can only hope for the best while providing support in an already difficult time.

I’m glad this is isn’t my first time experiencing the overwhelming amount of emotional stress but I do wish that there was a button somewhere you could push so that you could regulate how much of it comes at you at once. Wishful thinking, most definitely, but it gives me hope that I can pull this through. And I will.

//c_Cae; soon my cough is gone entirely and I can sing again

Life and the flu

About 8 days ago, I woke up in fever, cough and I had no voice. At that moment, I thought to myself I couldn’t be that bad and like many colds, it would just pass after a few days. Little did I know that I’d be bedridden for 3 days, and 8 days after I lost my voice would still not be able to talk without a coughing fit as followup.

It’s what I’ve been doing the past week. Just laying either in bed or on the couch, with short moments by the computer. Getting tea is exhausting, not to mention I probably got minion sick as well. Kids are remarkable. First, she was knocked out cold when her fever hit. I gave her an aspirin and BAM, she’s up and running. I felt miserable when my fever hit and while I could at least follow a conversation, I was not feeling much better with aspirin.

I still cannot speak properly. Sometimes the thought of being able to triggers a coughing fit. I wish it to be over because I’m a little tired of communicating through text messages even at home. Most of all, I’m tired of my parents insisting to call me (instead of texting me), just to tell me I’m dying and I can’t leave minion behind. Hey, I got the flu. I’m in my finest years of my life. I’m not dying. It’s gonna take a lot more, although I understand their worry.

It just gets to me when they think I’m dying, provided recent events. I know I posted a password-protected post a little over a week ago. I’m not ready to make it public. Just know I lost a dear family member and because the protected post involves my brother’s feelings too, I do not want to make it public. A part of me wants to shield him from all this hurt but I can’t. Life will toss them his way all the time and he as to learn, regardless of my intentions of protecting him. Life will have its way and it will continue no matter whose story ends abruptly. I need to get better soon so I can see him and maybe cheer him up just a little bit. There’s so much I want to tell him in person. He’s stubborn and tells me he doesn’t need a hug. Lucky for him, I’m more stubborn so he can’t win this. This sister is gonna have her way and give her brother a hug. End of story :P

//c_Cae, at times, I even wanna buy him a puppy

Desktop layout and the Overwatch Scrub Cup

Hi guys!
It’s been a while and I hear my muse whispering and urging me to write so here I am.

As mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve signed up for an inofficial e-sports tournament in Overwatch. I never thought I’d like the game so much but I do and it feels great. Whenever I can, I spend my time on getting better at it. So, to challenge myself even more, I signed up for this Scrub Cup tourney. Each team is randomly assembled and are assigned a coach. With my team, dubbed Bird’s Eggs (because our coach’s nickname is Bird), we’ve practiced a bit and played our first match yesterday. The rules of the tournament is that you are not to exceed the in-game ranking value of 2700. Our enemy team were missing a player and had to find a substitute. What we didn’t know, was that this substitute actually had a much higher ranking than the tournament allows. This meant that the 2 hours we played had to be forfeited and re-played since the substitute violated the rules. It felt awful at first but it also taught me where my skill level is. Whenever I face someone above the ranks of 3300 (highest ranking the game allows in this point system  is 5000), I feel very much out of place. That’s when the game feels overwhelming to me. Anything below 3000 I can keep up with. This happening to our team on our first match definitely hurt the team morale a little bit but we won our game earlier today :)

Okay, enough about gaming. For a while now, I’ve unsuccessfully been trying to find a clean app that can display time, date and weather. Today, I got a tip on such an app and tada~

I’m still a bit dissatisfied with the weather part but I’m sure I’ll find a new one soon. And yes, that is an Aston Martin V8 Vantage from 2008 and yes, I’ve had this background since 2008. I will change it once this car stands in my driveway ;)

//c_Cae; soon, I’ll improve on Overwatch even more.

Speaking from the heart

When I started this blog, I really wanted it to be a feel good one but I also wanted it to be honest. I had already been blogging for a while before starting this one, but those were just digital versions of my personal diary. I think sometime after I stopped being a bartender, I grew to wanting to be more honest. Before that, I had always made sure to say whatever it would take to be accepted and liked by my company. Eventually, I realized that just turned me to another person dependent on whatever situation I was in. It wasn’t ideal and I would eventually turn into a person without essence. So, I stopped. I am sure many people struggle with this and it is incredibly hard to be as honest and genuine as possible at all times, but it is doable provided you have some people skills. With that said, I will just wear my heart on my sleeve here, even if it means it will get very personal at times.

I truly wish to be able to publish a lot more here than I currently do. My problem is that I overthink everything. A post like this one, has been in my head for a month and I am just now being able to word it. To keep you up to speed, the past month have meant work for me. Actual paid work. I went on a promo tour, promoting dietary supplements. At first, it was meant to be in the same city I live in but eventually turned out to be a much larger tour and I eventually ended up outside the county I was responsible for. It was an awesome tour, despite the encounters of a few racists, creeps and gropers. Most the time, the customers I met with in the supermarkets were curious and polite people. Those really made my days. I also did a good enough job that the company that hired me offered me a one day gig promoting Nescafé.

At the same time, Zoe kept telling me I shouldn’t work because she wanted to know that I was home all the time. It was assuring to her, knowing where her mom was. I had to reassure her, I would always be there for her even if sometimes I can’t be at home. I need to work so I have the money to sustain her and provide her with food, clothes and that new bed she so desperately wants for her birthday. She’s a stubborn little girl who knows exactly what she wants and I am very proud of her for that (and a lot of other things, of course). This also meant I was never left alone no matter what I was doing. One day, I had forgotten to turn my computer off before heading to work. When Zoe came home, she started crying because “mommy’s computer was on but mommy wasn’t here”. Yup, broke my mom heart but I made sure to make it up to her. She’s happy, but I worry she worries too much about things she shouldn’t worry about.

A lot of things also happened at home and with the rest of the family when I was working. Some of them are still going on. My parents’ divorce went through but dad refuses to move out. He blames mom for “letting the marriage fall apart”, as if a relationship is a one way street. He also made some ridiculous claims, that were clearly false, and tried desperately to make a stupid scene out of it. I ended up yelling at him for 15min over the phone one day because I strongly felt he crossed the line. I know; I shouldn’t yell at my dad but I also refuse to stand there and take shit like it’s a sweet summer breeze. He hasn’t spoken to me after that. I’m okay with a break from that, it’s stressful just seeing an incoming call from him.

On a lighter note, we celebrated my mom’s birthday last Saturday. She turned 60 and she does not look a day over 50. Unfortunately, the restaurant we went to let us down. Our food was too salty and cold. It was a shame but we kids are gonna make it up to her with a spa day and proper dinner. Just gotta wait in that paycheck. Dad also showed up at the dinner. Not only was he late but his presence also killed the mood we had. It was really unfortunate. We had originally planned a trip to California but the divorce killed those plans. Then we thought of taking mom to Paris. Paris is the city of her dreams and she has never been there. That got cancelled as well because all of the drama my dad caused. I dislike that he is the culprit here but as things are now, that’s what reality is. It’s hard to take in though because I’ve had this picture in my head that all adults in one’s life are immortal heroes. Sadly, that is a picture very distant from reality.

I’ve been relieving a lot of the emotional stress my mom is experiencing now. She hasn’t had anyone other than my siblings and I to talk to. She’s struggling with yet another family member fighting cancer. And losing. Her brother has been hospitalized and there’s nothing they can do. Mom feels like her own divorce is to be put aside as she and her siblings stand together in another losing battle to cancer. I love that they are united in this but it’s sad to see my uncle like this. He’s definitely the smartest of the bunch, although he and I aren’t close, I am close to his wife and daughter. His wife is actually my hairdresser and no one knows me or my hair better than she does. I just haven’t worked up the courage to call her. I want to but I also don’t want to be the one that triggers her crying. I did it once and I hate to see that beautiful face cry. I also don’t want to take up too much of her time. It’s so precious and I feel they should spend it all, just the three of them.

I hate this. This weekend was booked for a family dinner. A get together we haven’t had for a while, to celebrate the memory of my grandma but as things look now, that dinner is postponed. Emotionally, this is a roller coaster to say the least.

Other than all of this, I signed up for an Overwatch tournament. Matches start this week and I’m having so much fun with the 7 other strangers that’s assembled to a team to face off other teams. I don’t care how we do, we’re having fun and I am loving it. I aspire to take more girls to the pro-gaming scene. When I was watching the matches played in the Overwatch World Cup, it was astonishing how there were no girls on any team. Nope, can’t have that, so now I’m super-serious to get girls on that stage because we can’t have that in 2017.

//c_Cae; tournament is soon, just gotta keep my head up high AND KICK SOME ASS!

Lately

Fall has finally come. Days are rainy and grey. To be honest, I don’t mind. Most of this summer has been rainy and grey. Days like these I appreciate the time I can spend with myself. I have really grown to love my own company and it feels really good. It has nothing to do with me being an introvert, it’s just that I find it relaxing to be my own best friend. When I was younger, I didn’t like being alone. That feeling was awful, but I got to know myself and it has proven to me that it’s a great feeling to be able to enjoy yourself. Most my days are now filled with drinking my favorite tea (earl grey, by the way) and watching anime or various Hong Kong dramas. I want to stream but there’s little motivation to play games. To be honest, I have so many games I can choose from. I’d much rather sit down with my tea and watch my series. Or read a book. The balcony is almost cleaned up enough for me to sit out there with my tea, good music and an adventurous book. That’s all I really want to do this fall. Even during this winter, but I will stream. I just don’t know when because fall is my favorite season and it makes me all cozy. All that is missing are the colorful leaves on the ground. Then I’m all set.

//c_Cae; seasons come and go, just like people.