When I started this blog, I really wanted it to be a feel good one but I also wanted it to be honest. I had already been blogging for a while before starting this one, but those were just digital versions of my personal diary. I think sometime after I stopped being a bartender, I grew to wanting to be more honest. Before that, I had always made sure to say whatever it would take to be accepted and liked by my company. Eventually, I realized that just turned me to another person dependent on whatever situation I was in. It wasn’t ideal and I would eventually turn into a person without essence. So, I stopped. I am sure many people struggle with this and it is incredibly hard to be as honest and genuine as possible at all times, but it is doable provided you have some people skills. With that said, I will just wear my heart on my sleeve here, even if it means it will get very personal at times.
I truly wish to be able to publish a lot more here than I currently do. My problem is that I overthink everything. A post like this one, has been in my head for a month and I am just now being able to word it. To keep you up to speed, the past month have meant work for me. Actual paid work. I went on a promo tour, promoting dietary supplements. At first, it was meant to be in the same city I live in but eventually turned out to be a much larger tour and I eventually ended up outside the county I was responsible for. It was an awesome tour, despite the encounters of a few racists, creeps and gropers. Most the time, the customers I met with in the supermarkets were curious and polite people. Those really made my days. I also did a good enough job that the company that hired me offered me a one day gig promoting Nescafé.
At the same time, Zoe kept telling me I shouldn’t work because she wanted to know that I was home all the time. It was assuring to her, knowing where her mom was. I had to reassure her, I would always be there for her even if sometimes I can’t be at home. I need to work so I have the money to sustain her and provide her with food, clothes and that new bed she so desperately wants for her birthday. She’s a stubborn little girl who knows exactly what she wants and I am very proud of her for that (and a lot of other things, of course). This also meant I was never left alone no matter what I was doing. One day, I had forgotten to turn my computer off before heading to work. When Zoe came home, she started crying because “mommy’s computer was on but mommy wasn’t here”. Yup, broke my mom heart but I made sure to make it up to her. She’s happy, but I worry she worries too much about things she shouldn’t worry about.
A lot of things also happened at home and with the rest of the family when I was working. Some of them are still going on. My parents’ divorce went through but dad refuses to move out. He blames mom for “letting the marriage fall apart”, as if a relationship is a one way street. He also made some ridiculous claims, that were clearly false, and tried desperately to make a stupid scene out of it. I ended up yelling at him for 15min over the phone one day because I strongly felt he crossed the line. I know; I shouldn’t yell at my dad but I also refuse to stand there and take shit like it’s a sweet summer breeze. He hasn’t spoken to me after that. I’m okay with a break from that, it’s stressful just seeing an incoming call from him.
On a lighter note, we celebrated my mom’s birthday last Saturday. She turned 60 and she does not look a day over 50. Unfortunately, the restaurant we went to let us down. Our food was too salty and cold. It was a shame but we kids are gonna make it up to her with a spa day and proper dinner. Just gotta wait in that paycheck. Dad also showed up at the dinner. Not only was he late but his presence also killed the mood we had. It was really unfortunate. We had originally planned a trip to California but the divorce killed those plans. Then we thought of taking mom to Paris. Paris is the city of her dreams and she has never been there. That got cancelled as well because all of the drama my dad caused. I dislike that he is the culprit here but as things are now, that’s what reality is. It’s hard to take in though because I’ve had this picture in my head that all adults in one’s life are immortal heroes. Sadly, that is a picture very distant from reality.
I’ve been relieving a lot of the emotional stress my mom is experiencing now. She hasn’t had anyone other than my siblings and I to talk to. She’s struggling with yet another family member fighting cancer. And losing. Her brother has been hospitalized and there’s nothing they can do. Mom feels like her own divorce is to be put aside as she and her siblings stand together in another losing battle to cancer. I love that they are united in this but it’s sad to see my uncle like this. He’s definitely the smartest of the bunch, although he and I aren’t close, I am close to his wife and daughter. His wife is actually my hairdresser and no one knows me or my hair better than she does. I just haven’t worked up the courage to call her. I want to but I also don’t want to be the one that triggers her crying. I did it once and I hate to see that beautiful face cry. I also don’t want to take up too much of her time. It’s so precious and I feel they should spend it all, just the three of them.
I hate this. This weekend was booked for a family dinner. A get together we haven’t had for a while, to celebrate the memory of my grandma but as things look now, that dinner is postponed. Emotionally, this is a roller coaster to say the least.
Other than all of this, I signed up for an Overwatch tournament. Matches start this week and I’m having so much fun with the 7 other strangers that’s assembled to a team to face off other teams. I don’t care how we do, we’re having fun and I am loving it. I aspire to take more girls to the pro-gaming scene. When I was watching the matches played in the Overwatch World Cup, it was astonishing how there were no girls on any team. Nope, can’t have that, so now I’m super-serious to get girls on that stage because we can’t have that in 2017.
//c_Cae; tournament is soon, just gotta keep my head up high AND KICK SOME ASS!