Category Archives: this is Cae

Desktop layout and the Overwatch Scrub Cup

Hi guys!
It’s been a while and I hear my muse whispering and urging me to write so here I am.

As mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve signed up for an inofficial e-sports tournament in Overwatch. I never thought I’d like the game so much but I do and it feels great. Whenever I can, I spend my time on getting better at it. So, to challenge myself even more, I signed up for this Scrub Cup tourney. Each team is randomly assembled and are assigned a coach. With my team, dubbed Bird’s Eggs (because our coach’s nickname is Bird), we’ve practiced a bit and played our first match yesterday. The rules of the tournament is that you are not to exceed the in-game ranking value of 2700. Our enemy team were missing a player and had to find a substitute. What we didn’t know, was that this substitute actually had a much higher ranking than the tournament allows. This meant that the 2 hours we played had to be forfeited and re-played since the substitute violated the rules. It felt awful at first but it also taught me where my skill level is. Whenever I face someone above the ranks of 3300 (highest ranking the game allows in this point system  is 5000), I feel very much out of place. That’s when the game feels overwhelming to me. Anything below 3000 I can keep up with. This happening to our team on our first match definitely hurt the team morale a little bit but we won our game earlier today :)

Okay, enough about gaming. For a while now, I’ve unsuccessfully been trying to find a clean app that can display time, date and weather. Today, I got a tip on such an app and tada~

I’m still a bit dissatisfied with the weather part but I’m sure I’ll find a new one soon. And yes, that is an Aston Martin V8 Vantage from 2008 and yes, I’ve had this background since 2008. I will change it once this car stands in my driveway ;)

//c_Cae; soon, I’ll improve on Overwatch even more.

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Speaking from the heart

When I started this blog, I really wanted it to be a feel good one but I also wanted it to be honest. I had already been blogging for a while before starting this one, but those were just digital versions of my personal diary. I think sometime after I stopped being a bartender, I grew to wanting to be more honest. Before that, I had always made sure to say whatever it would take to be accepted and liked by my company. Eventually, I realized that just turned me to another person dependent on whatever situation I was in. It wasn’t ideal and I would eventually turn into a person without essence. So, I stopped. I am sure many people struggle with this and it is incredibly hard to be as honest and genuine as possible at all times, but it is doable provided you have some people skills. With that said, I will just wear my heart on my sleeve here, even if it means it will get very personal at times.

I truly wish to be able to publish a lot more here than I currently do. My problem is that I overthink everything. A post like this one, has been in my head for a month and I am just now being able to word it. To keep you up to speed, the past month have meant work for me. Actual paid work. I went on a promo tour, promoting dietary supplements. At first, it was meant to be in the same city I live in but eventually turned out to be a much larger tour and I eventually ended up outside the county I was responsible for. It was an awesome tour, despite the encounters of a few racists, creeps and gropers. Most the time, the customers I met with in the supermarkets were curious and polite people. Those really made my days. I also did a good enough job that the company that hired me offered me a one day gig promoting Nescafé.

At the same time, Zoe kept telling me I shouldn’t work because she wanted to know that I was home all the time. It was assuring to her, knowing where her mom was. I had to reassure her, I would always be there for her even if sometimes I can’t be at home. I need to work so I have the money to sustain her and provide her with food, clothes and that new bed she so desperately wants for her birthday. She’s a stubborn little girl who knows exactly what she wants and I am very proud of her for that (and a lot of other things, of course). This also meant I was never left alone no matter what I was doing. One day, I had forgotten to turn my computer off before heading to work. When Zoe came home, she started crying because “mommy’s computer was on but mommy wasn’t here”. Yup, broke my mom heart but I made sure to make it up to her. She’s happy, but I worry she worries too much about things she shouldn’t worry about.

A lot of things also happened at home and with the rest of the family when I was working. Some of them are still going on. My parents’ divorce went through but dad refuses to move out. He blames mom for “letting the marriage fall apart”, as if a relationship is a one way street. He also made some ridiculous claims, that were clearly false, and tried desperately to make a stupid scene out of it. I ended up yelling at him for 15min over the phone one day because I strongly felt he crossed the line. I know; I shouldn’t yell at my dad but I also refuse to stand there and take shit like it’s a sweet summer breeze. He hasn’t spoken to me after that. I’m okay with a break from that, it’s stressful just seeing an incoming call from him.

On a lighter note, we celebrated my mom’s birthday last Saturday. She turned 60 and she does not look a day over 50. Unfortunately, the restaurant we went to let us down. Our food was too salty and cold. It was a shame but we kids are gonna make it up to her with a spa day and proper dinner. Just gotta wait in that paycheck. Dad also showed up at the dinner. Not only was he late but his presence also killed the mood we had. It was really unfortunate. We had originally planned a trip to California but the divorce killed those plans. Then we thought of taking mom to Paris. Paris is the city of her dreams and she has never been there. That got cancelled as well because all of the drama my dad caused. I dislike that he is the culprit here but as things are now, that’s what reality is. It’s hard to take in though because I’ve had this picture in my head that all adults in one’s life are immortal heroes. Sadly, that is a picture very distant from reality.

I’ve been relieving a lot of the emotional stress my mom is experiencing now. She hasn’t had anyone other than my siblings and I to talk to. She’s struggling with yet another family member fighting cancer. And losing. Her brother has been hospitalized and there’s nothing they can do. Mom feels like her own divorce is to be put aside as she and her siblings stand together in another losing battle to cancer. I love that they are united in this but it’s sad to see my uncle like this. He’s definitely the smartest of the bunch, although he and I aren’t close, I am close to his wife and daughter. His wife is actually my hairdresser and no one knows me or my hair better than she does. I just haven’t worked up the courage to call her. I want to but I also don’t want to be the one that triggers her crying. I did it once and I hate to see that beautiful face cry. I also don’t want to take up too much of her time. It’s so precious and I feel they should spend it all, just the three of them.

I hate this. This weekend was booked for a family dinner. A get together we haven’t had for a while, to celebrate the memory of my grandma but as things look now, that dinner is postponed. Emotionally, this is a roller coaster to say the least.

Other than all of this, I signed up for an Overwatch tournament. Matches start this week and I’m having so much fun with the 7 other strangers that’s assembled to a team to face off other teams. I don’t care how we do, we’re having fun and I am loving it. I aspire to take more girls to the pro-gaming scene. When I was watching the matches played in the Overwatch World Cup, it was astonishing how there were no girls on any team. Nope, can’t have that, so now I’m super-serious to get girls on that stage because we can’t have that in 2017.

//c_Cae; tournament is soon, just gotta keep my head up high AND KICK SOME ASS!

Lately

Fall has finally come. Days are rainy and grey. To be honest, I don’t mind. Most of this summer has been rainy and grey. Days like these I appreciate the time I can spend with myself. I have really grown to love my own company and it feels really good. It has nothing to do with me being an introvert, it’s just that I find it relaxing to be my own best friend. When I was younger, I didn’t like being alone. That feeling was awful, but I got to know myself and it has proven to me that it’s a great feeling to be able to enjoy yourself. Most my days are now filled with drinking my favorite tea (earl grey, by the way) and watching anime or various Hong Kong dramas. I want to stream but there’s little motivation to play games. To be honest, I have so many games I can choose from. I’d much rather sit down with my tea and watch my series. Or read a book. The balcony is almost cleaned up enough for me to sit out there with my tea, good music and an adventurous book. That’s all I really want to do this fall. Even during this winter, but I will stream. I just don’t know when because fall is my favorite season and it makes me all cozy. All that is missing are the colorful leaves on the ground. Then I’m all set.

//c_Cae; seasons come and go, just like people. 

To my Twitch fam

It’s been a little over 18 months since I joined Twitch. I first had no interest in it as I didn’t really understand what it was all about. Then I came across streamers who played alone and with their communities and noticed how great that interaction was. Suddenly, I found myself in chats where people were super-friendly about the gameplay, talked about everything possible and joked about whatever made people laugh. It had me intrigued on how much fun Twitch was. Occasionally, there would be people that would troll and toss around stupid remarks, trying to turn the friendly community into a mob but they always failed. I came to fall in love with channels that played games I would never play myself. I found streamers that were amazing people in every single way, trying to to chip in to change the world for the better even if it meant just making one person smile.

I first stumbled upon a Minecraft streamer and to be honest, Minecraft is good in many ways but to me it is incredibly boring. Still, this streamer had my attention and I ended up supporting this streamer in every way I could. In his community, I found many like-minded people who I today call friends.

Later, I ventured out to find new streamers and I did. I found amazing streamers that I had so much in common with. It somehow made me feel satisfied in a way the life at university never did. Don’t get me wrong, avid readers of this blog will know that I absolutely loved university life but it lacked something that made up a large part of my teenage years that still remain today. I have brought up games at university but no one really understood what I meant. On Twitch, this was different. I met academics that were similar to me and I also met people outside of academia that understood academia as well as they understood games.

The mentality of these people that I have had the luck to meet online is incredible. All of those who I call friends wish nothing but success upon whoever they may meet. All of them appreciate each other like it was meant to. On Twitch, I have met people to talked others out of suicide and helped others relocate to safer places, among other things. I think this kind of appreciation is a very rare thing to find, especially on the internet but even in this world. Today, we experience a different kind of life as we’re constantly bombarded by sad news from all over the world. It makes us believe that there is an overwhelming amount of bad things that are happening in the world. It’s not true of course, news reaches us easier today than it ever has in our history.

So, to everyone who I met on Twitch:
I appreciate you and I value your presence immensely. I’m lucky to have met all of you and I really can’t wait to meet you in person. I can’t really express in words how much I appreciate all of you, but you know what I mean. Thanks to you, I’ve ventured out of my comfort zones faster than ever and it feels great. Thanks to you, I can be a part of your communities and help you bring smiles to people. Oh, and if you’re unsure if you’re included in this bunch of friends, you are.  Here’s to online friendships o/

//c_Cae; is now also a Twitch affiliate! Yay~

A silent voice

I don’t know where to begin. I first wanted to tweet about it, but I quickly realized that 140 characters doesn’t cut it. I could use TwitLonger, but that’d end up as a blog post so I might as well do it here. Sad post incoming, you have been warned.

Today, the world lost yet another amazing voice. Chester Bennington had, to me, a very special voice and amazing songwriting skills. Linkin Park has always been special to me, They were the band who delivered song upon song that I could 110% relate to. Every single song spoke to me one way or the other. I knew what people around me said about the band. They’re horrible, how can you listen to that sh*t?
Thing was, they weren’t sh*t in my ears. To me their music was the only thing I could relate to in a time of my life where darkness was all over the place. Their music made me think and feel that there is light in this world, that there are things in this life worth fighting for. To me, they were amazing. Of all the band members, Chester was the one that spoke to me most. His past of being abused spoke the loudest, although the drug use also hit a bit too close to home (to clarify, I have never used but I have lost several family members to ODs). He was my first “singer of a rockband” crush. As a teenager, the band seemed like superheroes to me. They had overcome things of their pasts and were doing something that they loved. In return, millions of fans cheered them on.  Sadly, depression took Chester’s voice from us. A voice that will be missed, but never forgotten. I wish the lines If I just let go, I’d be set free wasn’t echoing in my head.

To be honest, I do not know where this post is heading but I feel I need to write things down. It’ll help, I know. I know some might still think that it’s stupid to still like such a band as Linkin Park and not be refined in my music taste, and although I don’t listen to them as much as I used to, they still mean something to me. Our pasts build the foundation of our lives on which the lucky few can build their future on.

My deepest condolences to Chester’s family, the band and everyone who ever felt that Chester touched their lives. We’re never alone, never forget that.

//c_Cae; somewhere out there, there is someone that cares for you deeply. 

Hi peeps!

It has been a great while since I last posted here. The only reason to that is simply because I was exhausted. After the previous post, I took a solid four weeks to tend to myself. It was the only thing I did whenever I had some free time. I caught up on a few TV series, looked up to the sky and admired the clouds, took naps whenever I wanted and only met with people that had zero expectations of me. It felt great. After that, I rested some more.

As some may know, I celebrated my birthday a little over a week ago. I got everything I ever asked for: great food and great company. On the day itself, we had a simple dinner at my mom’s and I was even served cake (chocolate mousse in case anyone wondered) and Zoe even sang for me. That was the best part. The Friday that followed, I had arranged a dinner with some close friends. We went to a restaurant that fused Mexican with Korean food and it was marvelous. I had a great time and even though I did not ask for gifts, my friends came with them. They know I never want anything other than having a great time with them. Still, they brought me flowers, cute little things like band aids with fish motif, and a Bluetooth speaker. These friends are worth more than their weights in gold, and even though we rarely meet, we remain the same as the last time we met. I love you guys, and I hope you know that.

On a different note, I recently decided to step out of my comfort zone in gaming. Since I started playing video games, I have stuck to role-playing and puzzle games (read Final Fantasy and Tetris). I figured if I wanted to grow as a gamer, and especially if I wanna be able to broadcast a variety of games, I also have to play a variety of games. Thus, when I got my new computer, I hesitated a little bit but ended up buying a first-person shooter game. Now let me tell you how good my aim is. It is about as good as I would most likely miss whatever is in front of me. I didn’t expect to play even at the lowest level, but to my surprise, I learned fast and I actually play decently. Surely, I have a lot to improve at but that’s why we step out of that comfort zone right?

//c_Cae; it’s true what they say, growth happens outside of your comfort zone even if stepping out is intimidating.

Exhausted

The past week has been intense even though I haven’t had any “real” work done. I’ve applied for a few jobs and I’m about as hopeful as to get a few more rejection letters. At least one such letter brings me closer to an acceptance letter somewhere.

Lately, as in the past 6-8 months, I’ve come to realize that I am an introvert. I’m very social when it comes to it, but once I leave any social setting, I feel drained and it takes me days (sometimes even a full week) to recover. Today is such a day. Last weekend was intense and I feel like I wanna turn into burrito mode and just do something that doesn’t require any social skills.

It came to my attention after Zoe’s birthday last year. The preparations took 2 weeks and once it was all finished, I was out of it for another 2 weeks. Then came Christmas and all the hype that’s around that and it drained me even more. Around that time, I first thought it was due to stress but it wasn’t it. I was doing nothing but my thesis and had just finished TA.

So here I am again all tired and out of energy to do anything other than spending time with myself whenever that is possible. Got a meeting today so will have to push through that. I’m sure it will be fine but after this week, I’ll have to get a lot of me-time before I do anything else.

//c_Cae; can any other introvert relate to this? Lemme know!