Fall has finally come. Days are rainy and grey. To be honest, I don’t mind. Most of this summer has been rainy and grey. Days like these I appreciate the time I can spend with myself. I have really grown to love my own company and it feels really good. It has nothing to do with me being an introvert, it’s just that I find it relaxing to be my own best friend. When I was younger, I didn’t like being alone. That feeling was awful, but I got to know myself and it has proven to me that it’s a great feeling to be able to enjoy yourself. Most my days are now filled with drinking my favorite tea (earl grey, by the way) and watching anime or various Hong Kong dramas. I want to stream but there’s little motivation to play games. To be honest, I have so many games I can choose from. I’d much rather sit down with my tea and watch my series. Or read a book. The balcony is almost cleaned up enough for me to sit out there with my tea, good music and an adventurous book. That’s all I really want to do this fall. Even during this winter, but I will stream. I just don’t know when because fall is my favorite season and it makes me all cozy. All that is missing are the colorful leaves on the ground. Then I’m all set.
//c_Cae; seasons come and go, just like people.
It’s been a little over 18 months since I joined Twitch. I first had no interest in it as I didn’t really understand what it was all about. Then I came across streamers who played alone and with their communities and noticed how great that interaction was. Suddenly, I found myself in chats where people were super-friendly about the gameplay, talked about everything possible and joked about whatever made people laugh. It had me intrigued on how much fun Twitch was. Occasionally, there would be people that would troll and toss around stupid remarks, trying to turn the friendly community into a mob but they always failed. I came to fall in love with channels that played games I would never play myself. I found streamers that were amazing people in every single way, trying to to chip in to change the world for the better even if it meant just making one person smile.
I first stumbled upon a Minecraft streamer and to be honest, Minecraft is good in many ways but to me it is incredibly boring. Still, this streamer had my attention and I ended up supporting this streamer in every way I could. In his community, I found many like-minded people who I today call friends.
Later, I ventured out to find new streamers and I did. I found amazing streamers that I had so much in common with. It somehow made me feel satisfied in a way the life at university never did. Don’t get me wrong, avid readers of this blog will know that I absolutely loved university life but it lacked something that made up a large part of my teenage years that still remain today. I have brought up games at university but no one really understood what I meant. On Twitch, this was different. I met academics that were similar to me and I also met people outside of academia that understood academia as well as they understood games.
The mentality of these people that I have had the luck to meet online is incredible. All of those who I call friends wish nothing but success upon whoever they may meet. All of them appreciate each other like it was meant to. On Twitch, I have met people to talked others out of suicide and helped others relocate to safer places, among other things. I think this kind of appreciation is a very rare thing to find, especially on the internet but even in this world. Today, we experience a different kind of life as we’re constantly bombarded by sad news from all over the world. It makes us believe that there is an overwhelming amount of bad things that are happening in the world. It’s not true of course, news reaches us easier today than it ever has in our history.
So, to everyone who I met on Twitch:
I appreciate you and I value your presence immensely. I’m lucky to have met all of you and I really can’t wait to meet you in person. I can’t really express in words how much I appreciate all of you, but you know what I mean. Thanks to you, I’ve ventured out of my comfort zones faster than ever and it feels great. Thanks to you, I can be a part of your communities and help you bring smiles to people. Oh, and if you’re unsure if you’re included in this bunch of friends, you are. Here’s to online friendships o/
//c_Cae; is now also a Twitch affiliate! Yay~
I don’t know where to begin. I first wanted to tweet about it, but I quickly realized that 140 characters doesn’t cut it. I could use TwitLonger, but that’d end up as a blog post so I might as well do it here. Sad post incoming, you have been warned.
Today, the world lost yet another amazing voice. Chester Bennington had, to me, a very special voice and amazing songwriting skills. Linkin Park has always been special to me, They were the band who delivered song upon song that I could 110% relate to. Every single song spoke to me one way or the other. I knew what people around me said about the band. They’re horrible, how can you listen to that sh*t?
Thing was, they weren’t sh*t in my ears. To me their music was the only thing I could relate to in a time of my life where darkness was all over the place. Their music made me think and feel that there is light in this world, that there are things in this life worth fighting for. To me, they were amazing. Of all the band members, Chester was the one that spoke to me most. His past of being abused spoke the loudest, although the drug use also hit a bit too close to home (to clarify, I have never used but I have lost several family members to ODs). He was my first “singer of a rockband” crush. As a teenager, the band seemed like superheroes to me. They had overcome things of their pasts and were doing something that they loved. In return, millions of fans cheered them on. Sadly, depression took Chester’s voice from us. A voice that will be missed, but never forgotten. I wish the lines If I just let go, I’d be set free wasn’t echoing in my head.
To be honest, I do not know where this post is heading but I feel I need to write things down. It’ll help, I know. I know some might still think that it’s stupid to still like such a band as Linkin Park and not be refined in my music taste, and although I don’t listen to them as much as I used to, they still mean something to me. Our pasts build the foundation of our lives on which the lucky few can build their future on.
My deepest condolences to Chester’s family, the band and everyone who ever felt that Chester touched their lives. We’re never alone, never forget that.
//c_Cae; somewhere out there, there is someone that cares for you deeply.
It has been a great while since I last posted here. The only reason to that is simply because I was exhausted. After the previous post, I took a solid four weeks to tend to myself. It was the only thing I did whenever I had some free time. I caught up on a few TV series, looked up to the sky and admired the clouds, took naps whenever I wanted and only met with people that had zero expectations of me. It felt great. After that, I rested some more.
As some may know, I celebrated my birthday a little over a week ago. I got everything I ever asked for: great food and great company. On the day itself, we had a simple dinner at my mom’s and I was even served cake (chocolate mousse in case anyone wondered) and Zoe even sang for me. That was the best part. The Friday that followed, I had arranged a dinner with some close friends. We went to a restaurant that fused Mexican with Korean food and it was marvelous. I had a great time and even though I did not ask for gifts, my friends came with them. They know I never want anything other than having a great time with them. Still, they brought me flowers, cute little things like band aids with fish motif, and a Bluetooth speaker. These friends are worth more than their weights in gold, and even though we rarely meet, we remain the same as the last time we met. I love you guys, and I hope you know that.
On a different note, I recently decided to step out of my comfort zone in gaming. Since I started playing video games, I have stuck to role-playing and puzzle games (read Final Fantasy and Tetris). I figured if I wanted to grow as a gamer, and especially if I wanna be able to broadcast a variety of games, I also have to play a variety of games. Thus, when I got my new computer, I hesitated a little bit but ended up buying a first-person shooter game. Now let me tell you how good my aim is. It is about as good as I would most likely miss whatever is in front of me. I didn’t expect to play even at the lowest level, but to my surprise, I learned fast and I actually play decently. Surely, I have a lot to improve at but that’s why we step out of that comfort zone right?
//c_Cae; it’s true what they say, growth happens outside of your comfort zone even if stepping out is intimidating.
The past week has been intense even though I haven’t had any “real” work done. I’ve applied for a few jobs and I’m about as hopeful as to get a few more rejection letters. At least one such letter brings me closer to an acceptance letter somewhere.
Lately, as in the past 6-8 months, I’ve come to realize that I am an introvert. I’m very social when it comes to it, but once I leave any social setting, I feel drained and it takes me days (sometimes even a full week) to recover. Today is such a day. Last weekend was intense and I feel like I wanna turn into burrito mode and just do something that doesn’t require any social skills.
It came to my attention after Zoe’s birthday last year. The preparations took 2 weeks and once it was all finished, I was out of it for another 2 weeks. Then came Christmas and all the hype that’s around that and it drained me even more. Around that time, I first thought it was due to stress but it wasn’t it. I was doing nothing but my thesis and had just finished TA.
So here I am again all tired and out of energy to do anything other than spending time with myself whenever that is possible. Got a meeting today so will have to push through that. I’m sure it will be fine but after this week, I’ll have to get a lot of me-time before I do anything else.
//c_Cae; can any other introvert relate to this? Lemme know!
Guys, I did it. I finally did it. I made 8 year old me proud and happy beyond measure. On May 18th, I successfully defended my thesis and am now a marine biologist.
I have never been so nervous in my life as I was the night before the presentation. I tried to rehearse but that failed miserably. The presentation itself went great, despite me blanking out on several questions my opponent had. That probably nerfed my grade, to be honest. I couldn’t sleep that night, and I even dreamt that I failed it because I couldn’t speak. That probably contributed to the half-assed presentation I did. I’m sure I can pull it off in a better manner today but what is done is done, right?
Yesterday, I spent the day alone. Zoe was at daycare and I couldn’t sit around and do nothing, which resulted in me taking busses around town to play Pokemon Go. Once I got home again, chores awaited and in between those, I experienced a turmoil of feelings. I was happy beyond measure, but I also felt empty and insecure. I know it’s expected. I’ve worked so hard for so long, I barely know what it’s like to fully relax. I honestly cannot remember when last I actually relaxed and didn’t worry about anything. Yesterday was a first. I still feel confused. I didn’t have a plan for life after university because the plan I had up until attending uni was all shot to hell. Why? Because life happens and you can’t ever plan everything.
I’m sure I wouldn’t been able to pull any of this off without the immense support I’ve received from almost everyone I know. You guys have been cheering me on since day 1 and no matter how long I’ve known you, you’ve always come through to pat me on my back, telling me I got this to get me back up on my feet. You’ve truly been the lights in my world and I really couldn’t have done it without you.
Right now, I’m constantly moving between sheer happiness and utter emptiness. Come Monday, and I’ll gotta do some things to get me moving toward a job. In between those tasks, I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll read a few books. Maybe I’ll catch up on my never-ending list of documentaries I want to watch. Maybe I’ll just go to the sea side and dream away. Or maybe I’ll catch up on all my series and anime or play all the games I’ve been meaning to play. It’s just weird to have so much time on my hands when I’ve always only been having 2-3h every week. It feels weird to me to start playing a game or watch a show. Those have always been an award to me. If I finish this task, I can watch one episode of X. That has always been my system. Do this and get this. Finish that and buy this. Now I don’t have a real thing to be my number one priority.
I think I’ll just have to go see the ocean. Then I’ll be fine again.
//c_Cae; finally did it. now what?
The deadline for the PhD application was on April 16, which resulted in me working over Easter desperately trying to finish it. It ended up pretty good, if I may say so myself. The only problem now is out of my hands, and I can only hope that my application stands out enough to call for an interview among the 40 other applicants. Other than being nervous, I also managed to finish my thesis.
I sent it in twice for revision and now the final version is in my hands. I only need to check for some minor errors and find typos. After than I’m ready to write a presentation manuscript and defend it. It’ll be fun, I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time. Knowing that I have so many people that support me is very comforting. I’m not gonna lie, I am nervous but being a little nervous is good. It feels amazing and very unrealistic at the same time. Once my defence is over and I pass, I will have made my childhood dream come true and I’ll finally be a marine biologist.
I remember when I first started this blog and it was all about being a bartender before I realised I need to head back to uni and finish what I started. I also remember the picture shown to me when I was 8 and I decided then and there that I wasn’t going to be an archeologist and head for the deep blue instead. For the longest time as a child, I thought the words marine biologist was just a made up thing. I had just put together two words that made sense to me: marine because of the ocean and biologist because of all the life around us. Countless of times was I met with the question Is that even a thing? Of course it is! Look at me now. I’m very happy, although the thought of not knowing what I’ll do the coming years is frightening.
Most of all, I’m proud of myself. I’ve managed an education with 0 in debt. Zero. Nil. Nada. My degree is the manifestation of hard work in its purest form. Yes, I have put many things aside to achieve this but it is worth it. I’m also very proud of the fact that I managed to do something that I’d never thought I’d be able to pull off. My thesis is strictly theoretical and it’s packed with statistics. I’m still afraid of statistics but I now have a fundamental understanding to it and I know why it’s important. It scared the living being out of me when I took it but I am really glad I did it. It put me through so much agony, pain and frustration but it paid me back in knowledge and resilience. I’m really impressed with myself, not only to the fact that I managed to pull this thesis off, but also because I took the courage and challenged myself and walked out of it alive. So whatever the future has coming my way, I am not afraid.
//c_Cae; challenge accepted and achievement unlocked: marine biologist one month from now!