It feels like a million things have happened since I last posted. While not literally a million things have happened, but many have. I’ll try not to be too long about it, but I still want to keep you readers in the loop despite not being able to update here as much as I’d like to.

Being one of the most difficult decisions in my life, we ultimately decided to let Serah go. Zoe kept locking herself in her room, crying whenever Serah as much as looked at her when we ate, and repeatedly telling us how scared she was of Serah. Serah, being the pup she is, just looked curiously at Zoe, wondering why this little human was acting the way she does. I can understand Zoe. It is scary to have a dog that’s almost double your own size and is still growing. It pained (and still does) me a lot to see Serah go, but I’m also a mother that want my child to feel safe at home. I still miss Serah every day. I get a striking pain in my chest whenever I think of her. Of course, my frustration is back because there’s nothing to fill in for Serah. We’ll get a dog, a smaller one for sure, but we don’t know when. Until then I have to cope. Besides, Zoe is back to her old self, only she keeps naming anything dog-related Haylee.

My thesis is taking up a lot of time, as usual. I had another round of corrupted data and so I had to do it all over from what I could salvage from October last year. It took me a week, but it’s all back and even improved. I’ve been writing like my life literally depended on it. I came to realise that I still love doing this even though the curveballs have been abundant and lately, they’ve been harder to handle too. In the meantime of writing my thesis, I have also come to terms with a few things. I started applying for jobs outside my field because no PhD opportunities were coming up and everyone I talked to seemed to be more keen on getting new post-docs instead. It had me thinking, that if nothing shows up (it really didn’t feel like it), I might as well look for a 9-5 job outside my expertise and do the marine bio stuff on my spare time. If I can’t do what I love, find something that pays enough for me to do it, I kept telling myself. It is better to secure each month’s pay check than to worry about it. At some point, I thought I had convinced myself that a life outside academia is what was better, at least for the time being.

Or at least that’s what it was like until I dropped in at the unit on Wednesday. That’s when I heard about the new PhD postings. One of them, I am very interested in. I have no idea how successful I will be if I applied, but I am applying. It’ll always be a missed shot if I don’t take it and let’s face it, no one likes 100% failure. There are so many things I’m insecure about. I have no doubt my work ethics or my workaholic tendencies are top notch. What I doubt about is that my thesis has been incredibly dragged out. I still don’t feel much smarter about statistics, nor am I anywhere near confident of what I have produced so far. I’ve tried to explain to my supervisor why I feel like this, but there seem to be little to zero room for listening. It’s all about achievements. I hate that I let my emotional state from my private life affect my professional life. I try my best to keep the two separated, but each time the word cancer pops up I just feel petrified (I’m okay, it’s a family member, though). Some friends tell me I’m a very private person, yet I blog and I live stream when playing games. I still doubt about my own abilities. I sometimes even feel that there is so much doubt, I’m hindering myself from growth. It doesn’t help that several colleagues encourage me and tells me, in these words Not every master’s student is like you, you know? PhD material. I don’t know. If I was that kind of material, why have my thesis taken so long?

I can’t blame it on my eye condition, and I can’t blame it on working so much last year. Just those two, took away at least 12 months of time. Each time I have my eye examined, I’m thrown off work for at least three days if nothing goes wrong. I can’t blame it on these two things. Work I chose to keep because I needed the money and I needed to get away from the computer every now and then. My eye condition is genetic. They’re just explanations.

This has never resonated with me the way it does right now.

//c_Cae; full of doubts :(


7 years here

3 days ago I got a notification that I have been on WordPress for 7 years. It sure doesn’t feel like 7 years. I’ve blogged for longer, just on different domains. I haven’t been on much lately, mostly due to the fact that I’m preparing for the overwhelming work that is the month of May. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love it, but being busy sometimes makes me forget about my blog.

Since my last post, I’ve been up to a few things. Without further ado, I’ll keep you guys posted, a little late, but it’s here now.

2 weeks ago, I went to meet a shiba breeder! I was really nervous, mostly because I’d only had one encounter with the breed prior to this meeting. That was enough to toss me into the rabbit hole that is shiba-information on the internet. After reading a lot, I figured it was no longer enough to just read. Sooner or later, I just had to talk to someone that makes a living out of this magnificent breed. So I mailed a local and reputable breeder and it turned out she has training sessions every two weeks! I signed up faster than I could ever type on a computer keyboard and off I went.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 13.13.48
If there were words of how happy I was, I would use all of them a million times over to describe this picture.

On this grass field, stood probably a dozen shibas. Just standing outside the fence had my heart pounding so hard, I could swear it was up my throat. After two seconds of grasping the reality I found myself in, I walked in. I was greeted by a few dogs and also got to play with a few 6 month old puppies. The breeder and I got to talk a little bit. I told her how I found out about the breed, but I never got to the part where I am very nerdy about the things I’m passionate about. I’ll get there. There’s another training session this Saturday and I’m thinking of bringing Zoe. She’s been telling us that she wants a dog. The funny part? We haven’t told her we decided on getting a dog. The catch is that this week’s training session is on agility, and I’m not sure I can run with a dog with Zoe with me. We’ll see how I’ll solve it. It’ll be fine if Zoe isn’t too clingy.

On another note, the Dutchman showed me a Final Fantasy event. To those unfamiliar with me, I adore the series (another thing I’m nerdy about). During this whole 2h long event, I went full fangirl. I think the only thing that can top my reaction to that event, is if I got to meet sir David Attenborough.
Anyway, I got all happy and the Dutchman went and bought me a PlayStation 4. Yay! Another console added to the family. Now I just gotta finish the thesis before I indulge in all the games I have had to put aside the past few years.

I also applied for a PhD at my home university. I didn’t get it but for some reason, I’m not disappointed at all. I think it’s one of two reasons, or maybe a combination of both, that I don’t feel disappointed at all. 1. I didn’t want it bad enough. Don’t get me wrong, I really would love a PhD, it’s just that the project wasn’t interesting enough to throw me off the planet. And reason 2, that the position should definitely go to the best fitting candidate. I mean, it’s an investment after all. Would you employ someone not fit for the job, if you knew it would cost you approx half a million dollars?

I don’t know why I don’t feel much about it. Maybe because it was a limnic (freshwater) project and not a marine one. My heart does beat for the ocean. I stopped thinking about as to why I don’t feel much over it. Colleagues have asked and everyone has been more bummed out than I have. I don’t know. I love my colleagues and it’s really sweet they care enough to be bummed out for my sake. I’m sure, though, that there is a PhD out there for me. It’ll show, and until then I’m just going to enjoy this ride.

And I’m going out to sea next week, woho! A lot is happening and I’m over the moon about it. That’s about it for now, I can’t remember anything more that’s interesting enough. Okay, maybe that the Batman vs Superman movie was a huge disappointment (2/5). I’ll be back soon, promise!

//c_Cae; back to analysing and writing